I received a message in my inbox that started with, "I love my child but I'm having a hard time accepting this." It took me a long time to find the right way to respond. When we start a statement with "I love my child but..." we are saying our love has conditions.
The word but when used in this way, is conditional. A conditional word, also known as a conditional phrase, is a word or phrase that introduces a conditional clause, indicating that one event or action depends on another.
If you say, "I love my child, but I wish they didn't have green hair," you are saying you love your child and wish they didn't have green hair. The issue isn't with your child; it's with their hair being green.
Likewise, if you say," I love my child, but I'm having a hard time with their being transgender," you are saying, maybe without meaning to, that you love your child, but it would be easier for you if they weren't transgender. I don't think any of us actually mean that when we say we're having a hard time after our kids come out.
The feelings we struggle with after our children come out as transgender aren't about them; they are about us.
It's okay to express that you are having a hard time, but you need to make it about yourself and not your child. A better way to say it is, "I love my child a lot. I'm having a hard time accepting their being transgender."
That's a very honest statement. You can love your child and have a hard time accepting that they are transgender. There's nothing you can do about it, and you ultimately have to work through your emotions and feelings about it while you keep loving your child.
When you say, "I love my child, but..." it implies that something about your child has to change in order for you to keep loving them. Do you see the difference?
Your child can't change the fact that they are transgender. It's a part of who they are, like being left-handed or having red hair. Your love for them should be unconditional, given freely and without terms.
As we navigate our feelings and try to put them into words, it's important to express them in a way that doesn't harm our children.
"Love in such a way that the person you love feels free." ~Thich Nhat Hanh
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