When my son Leo first came out as transgender, I thought it was something he chose to be. I didn't understand what it meant to be transgender then, and I couldn't fathom that Leo had suddenly decided he was male. During those first few weeks, I spent hours wracking my brain and memories, looking for signs that indicated this was something I could have seen coming.
Over time, I learned that being transgender isn't something you choose and that Leo had begun to question his gender during middle school. It wasn't until high school that he learned the word transgender, and it wasn't until his first year in college that he came out socially.
Leo came out when he felt it was the right time. He was emotionally ready, secure in his decision and identity, and felt safe in his school environment. The one thing he wasn't sure about was how his father and I would react.
Coming out to your parents as transgender, like sharing any big news, is an emotional time for everyone involved. For the transgender person, it can be more challenging because you don't know what to expect, even if you have a good relationship with your parents.
If you are a transgender person getting ready to come out to your parents, here's what you could expect from your parents, from someone who has been there.
- A wide variety of emotions. It's hard to know how your parents will react to your coming out. They could be overjoyed, supportive, loving, and understanding. They may also be confused, sad, surprised, and overwhelmed. Or, they could be a mix of these emotions or anywhere in between. It's important to remember that the first reaction your parents have is intertwined with shock. Their response to learning you are transgender is going to change over time, maybe even in the first few hours or days. Try to think about what it would be like for them, and don't be upset if they aren't immediately loving and supportive. They'll get there.
- Questions. Your parents want the best for you, and they are going to have a lot of questions. There is a good chance they will have questions that feel imposing and inappropriate. You'll think that it's not your place to have to answer some of their questions and that they should be doing their own research, and you would be right. However, your parents probably don't know this yet. Answer whatever questions you feel comfortable answering, and point them towards resources where they can find answers to the rest.
- An adjustment period. There's a good chance you've spent a lot of time thinking about being transgender before you came out, maybe even years. Your parents just learned this news and need time to adjust and process it. They will probably go through a grieving period as they let go of the idea of the gender they thought you were and adapt to the gender you are. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their thoughts about your future and the family structure. They will need time to work through their emotions, which is a normal part of their process. Also, your parents should be discussing how they feel with other people and trained professionals, not with you.
- Mistakes as they learn your name and pronouns. It's not easy to adjust to using a new name and set of pronouns, especially when you have years or decades of practice using something different. Your parents have used your old name and pronouns hundreds of thousands of times, if not more, and you can't expect them to flip a switch and begin using something different overnight error-free. Their brains have to make new associations between your new name and pronouns and you, which takes time and practice. While hearing the wrong name and pronouns feels awful, be patient with your parents as they adjust to using your new ones. So long as they are making an effort, don't berate them when they make a mistake. That will only derail their progress.
- A need for you to set boundaries. Your parents aren't going to know who they can and cannot tell about your being transgender unless you tell them. If you aren't ready to come out to certain family members or friends yet, you will need to have clear boundaries about who can and cannot know. Hopefully, your parents will respect those boundaries, but remember that even will-meaning parents make mistakes.
Coming out to your parents can feel nerve-wracking and overwhelming, especially if you aren't sure what to expect. Remember that your parents love you and want what is best for you. Even if this news catches them off guard, they are still the same parents who love and support you.
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