The day I learned my son Leo is transgender is one that will forever be ingrained in my memory. I remember every detail of that morning, like it happened yesterday, including how my body felt as I read the Facebook post where he shared his truth with the world.
I didn't understand what being transgender was then or how it was different from sexuality. Almost a decade ago, there wasn't as much awareness about transgender people as there is now, and what I read that morning as I searched to learn more were statistics about mental health risks to the LGBTQ+ community and articles about discrimination towards transgender people.
The morning Leo came out, in addition to my own complicated emotions, I felt afraid for his life and future.
Looking back, I realize that I never commented on that Facebook post. In fact, I never liked it or gave it a heart emoji, either. I must have read it no less than three dozen times throughout that morning, reading each comment that came in, marveling at the ease of the support of Leo's friends and our family. I remember thinking, how is it so easy for them to type those words? Aren't their hearts breaking like mine?
I spent all morning thinking about how to reply, too emotional to put any thoughts into words. Also, my personality type, in addition to being a perfectionist, didn't want to say the wrong thing. Nine years later, I can't imagine how that lack of response must have felt to Leo.
When we finally discussed that post many days later, I forgot I had never replied. I asked many questions and told Leo I would support him in whatever way he needed and that I loved him.
If I could return to that day, I would have told him I loved him first and asked fewer questions. It's not up to the transgender community to educate us on things we can learn for ourselves.
Over the years, I have spoken to many parents of transgender kids who wish they could take back the words they said after their child came out. And it wasn't because they meant to hurt their children by saying them; it's just that they were caught off guard and surprised, and in those first few minutes of overwhelm, they weren't thinking clearly.
So, in the spirit of doing better, here are five things not to say when your child comes out as transgender.
- Are you sure? Your child knows who they are, and they wouldn't be telling you the one person they are most afraid of rejection from if they weren't absolutely positive.
- I love you no matter what. No matter what, tacked on to the end of an I love you, implies that there is something wrong about your child being transgender, but you love them anyway. A simple I love you is better and more powerful.
- What about dating, marriage, babies, etc.? Whatever you are wondering about regarding your child's personal life is none of your business. You may still wonder about these things, and your child may openly discuss them with you if they choose to, but they may never choose to, and you will have to be okay with that. That's what therapy is for. This is not a time for questions of any sort. You can save them for another time if the questions are appropriate, or use the internet to find the answers yourself.
- I had a feeling/I've always known. While you may have seen signs that indicated your child may be transgender, only they could know this for sure. In addition, your child has done something incredibly brave by sharing this information with you. Instead, thank them for telling you.
- Are you sure this isn't a phase? Your child may have tried on different labels from the LGBTQ+ community before this point as they struggled to understand what was going on with themselves. Some transgender people don't have the language to explain how they feel in their bodies, so they think it must be that they are a different sexuality because that historically has been discussed more frequently than gender. Trust that whatever your child tells you to be what they know about themselves to be true.
It wasn't easy for your child to come out to you. There is a good chance they have been thinking about this moment and how it would transpire for a long time.
Coming out is a vulnerable experience, and you want your child to feel supported and loved after telling you, not rejected and sad.
Do you wish you had handled your child's coming out differently? What would you have said instead?
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