When my son Leo came out as transgender on a quiet Saturday morning in January 2016, I had a limited understanding of what being transgender meant. It's fair to say that I did not understand what it meant. I wrote in this post how my only knowledge of the transgender community came from the movies, and even then, it was limited to drag, which is a form of gender expression, not identity. I had so much to learn.
At my therapy appointment a few days later, after I finally stopped crying, I said something along the lines of how Leo couldn't be transgender because he had identified as a lesbian in the past, and none of it made sense. My excellent therapist looked at me with tears in her own eyes and explained to me that the two things were not related.
Gender is how you feel about or perceive yourself, and sexuality is an attraction you feel toward other people.
As soon as she said that, I felt like a fool, but gender and sex are often used interchangeably, especially when filling out forms. It's not a stretch to go from sex to sexuality and confuse the two ideas.
Gender is your inner identity. It's who you believe yourself to be at the core of your being. I have always thought of myself as female and never questioned that identity. It's as much a part of me as my brown eyes and being left-hand dominant. Until my son came out as transgender, it didn't even occur to me that other people questioned their gender identity, some multiple times throughout their lives.
Sexuality is about your thoughts, feelings, attractions, and behaviors, or lack of, towards other people.
We often think of sexuality as an outward expression focused on the sexual acts committed by a person. Sexual acts are only one aspect of sexuality, however. In ch. 5 of Life Planning Education, they list five concepts of sexuality: sensuality, intimacy, sexualization, sexual identity, and sexual health and reproduction. Sexuality is something that continues to develop throughout your lifetime, and like gender, your sexual identity or sexual orientation can change.
As recently as a hundred years ago, there were only two sexual orientations: straight (heterosexual) and homosexual. Now, there are more sexual orientations than you can count. The internet is conflicted on just how many. According to this website, there are over 600; this one says 28, and this one says 47, but not all the terms are sexualities.
The point is that just like there is no one way to express your gender identity, there is no one way to express your sexual orientation.
Every person is a unique individual, and it makes sense that in a world of almost 8 billion people, there are more than two genders and two sexual orientations. The world would be a boring place if everyone were the same.
Subscribe to get my latest content by email, and I'll send you SIX questions to ask yourself before sharing that your child is transgender: because it can be a little overwhelming and sometimes you just need to know where to start.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
