When my son Leo came out as transgender, I was fortunate enough to be able to ask him questions about his plans for his transition without his being offended by them. He patiently answered my questions and was willing to share with me what his hopes were going forward.
Each time I had questions that related to him directly, he would take the time to explain what I was confused about or to point me in the right direction to learn more. Years later, after hours of therapy and researching how to support Leo and myself best, I realized this was a gift.
In those early days, it never occurred to me that burdening my son with my questions was inappropriate and that I needed to do the work to educate myself.
However, I did have the foresight to recognize that sharing my emotions with Leo wasn't okay. I made sure to do that away from him and was nothing but supportive whenever talking to him or near him. This may not have been your experience with your child when they first came out, but hopefully, by now, you are working to support yourself and ensure that whatever emotions you feel are not shared with your child.
Your child will share new information with you as they continue on their journey to become the most whole and authentic form of themselves. Each time they do this, they will worry that they must manage your questions and emotions. Worrying about how you will respond can keep your child from sharing their next steps with you.
It's not your child's job to answer your questions, manage your emotions, or make you feel better.
If your child tells you they are getting ready to change their name legally, you can Google the procedure for a name change in the state your child lives in. The Internet is a wealth of information, and the answers you are looking for are at your fingertips. You could say, "That's wonderful. If you are willing to share with me, I'd love to hear what names you are considering." However, your child may not be ready to share their new name yet, and you must be prepared for that.
Likewise, if your child is considering a medical transition, you probably have many questions about the different procedures. Surgery is a big step, and it's also an emotional one. Often, surgery is the last step in a transgender person's transition. As irrational as it sounds, this can feel like the final tie between your child and the child you thought you had and can trigger a lot of grief.
Be prepared to be emotional about your child's next steps. It's normal to have a lot of feelings because that is a normal part of your journey. However, this is your journey, not your child's, and you need to make sure you are getting the support you need. If you haven't already done so, now may be the time to seek support from a trained professional.
Your child may set boundaries with you to protect your relationship. This is healthy and important for both of you. First, boundaries help protect your child's mental health and well-being.
Most importantly, boundaries tell other people how we want to be treated.
We discussed how important it is not to process your emotions with or in front of your child. Your child should only have to tell you, "I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you about this," once. If they have to say it to you any more than once, you risk damaging your relationship with your child, and no one wants that.
No matter how old your child is, they still need your love and support, and that is what you want to give them at this time.
Subscribe to get my latest content by email, and I'll send you SIX questions to ask yourself before sharing that your child is transgender: because it can be a little overwhelming and sometimes you just need to know where to start.
We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.
