One of the top search requests that brings people to my blog is 'How do I know if my child is transgender?' The short answer is that you can't know your child is transgender until they tell you. Your child is the only person who knows how they feel about themselves and who they are at the core of their being.
Until they reveal that truth to you, you can only speculate about anything different you imagine to be true about your child.
Some kids go through exploratory phases when they are young. This is especially true of children with opposite-gender siblings, but it's also true of only children. Children are curious, and they wonder what it would be like if they were a boy, a girl, a cat, a mother, a father, a mail person, or any variety of things. This is where pretend play comes in, which children are great at, as well as gender exploration.
So, children try on clothing of the opposite gender or express an interest in toys that may be specific to a gender that doesn't align with their own. They may request a hairstyle that doesn't match their gender or have a group of friends of the opposite gender. Gender exploration is part of normal childhood development; most children grow out of it as they age.
Gender is an identity, not a behavior, and just because your child exhibits behaviors of the opposite gender doesn't mean they are transgender.
Not all tomboys grow up to be transgender men, and every little boy who tries on dresses doesn't grow up to be non-binary or a transgender woman. Likewise, not all children who explore the opposite gender are engaged in pretend play. Some feel differently in their body, and their exploration is to see if it makes them feel better to dress or live as a gender that is not their own.
Adults often believe children who say they are transgender are going through a phase, but children know as young as three that their gender doesn't match how they feel inside.
Parents of children who have come out as transgender at a young age often state that their children expressed as soon as they could verbalize it that they were a different gender. It was the parents who struggled with the idea of having transgender children and had to come around to it.
Not all children who come out as transgender do so at a young age. Many transgender people experience childhood without any issues, and it's when puberty begins that things tend to go sideways. Experts believe this has to do with a sudden surge of hormones and how their bodies start to change, which doesn't align with how they identify.
Many transgender people come out in their teens, young adulthood, or even as adults and catch their parents entirely off guard. They had no idea their child was questioning their gender until the day they came out.
Children only reveal what they want us to know when they want us to know it.
If you suspect your child is transgender, support them in the best way that you can. Keep the lines of communication open so they know they can talk to you about whatever is on their mind whenever they need to. Learn what it means to be an ally to the LGBTQ+ community and let your child see you acting to be supportive. Most importantly, keep loving them so that when they are ready to come out, they feel safe to do so.
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