When my son Leo came out as transgender, I was overwhelmed by emotions in addition to all the new information I was learning. At that time, I didn't know anyone else who was the parent of a transgender child. Also, my husband appeared to be adjusting to Leo's being transgender more effortlessly than I was. I didn't know who or where I could go to ask for support.
Before we continue, I want to make one thing clear. My husband is one of the most supportive people on the planet and has championed me in many areas over the past three decades. However, because I saw that he wasn't as upset as I was about adjusting to Leo's being transgender (or at all), I didn't feel I could turn to him for support. I didn't know how he could support me if he didn't feel the same things I was feeling or if he wasn't struggling in the same ways I was. Almost nine years later, I can see that this way of thinking was very short-sighted of me.
Just because someone else hasn't experienced the same circumstances you have doesn't mean they can't support you.
After your child comes out as transgender, you need a strong support circle to help you navigate forward so you, in turn, can support your child. If you can only draw on the support of those who have been where you are, your support circle will be very small.
You will find that people in your life have had similar enough circumstances to understand what it's like to be where you are. They know what it's like to experience grief and loss. You will have friends and loved ones who understand what it's like to adjust your expectations for your child and their future. People in your life will have experienced feeling like their whole world has turned upside down, and they don't know which way is up or how to move forward.
Some experiences are universal, and people will show up to support you because they love you and want to help you, whether they have a transgender child or not.
And then, there are the people in your life who won't know how to support you after your child comes out. This is because they haven't experienced a child coming out as transgender, so they don't know what to say or do. They don't want to upset you or say something wrong; instead, they choose to say nothing.
Often, they wait for you to make the first move, not realizing that you are waiting for them to do the same. This cycle can continue while you miss out on the support you need and your friends and family feel like you are shutting them out.
Being the parent of a transgender child can feel lonely, but it doesn't have to.
Reach out to the people in your life and ask for the support you need. It may feel hard at first, especially if you are not used to talking about having a transgender child. But the emotional support and encouragement you receive from your friends and family will be worth it.
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